“My 11th tattoo is of a soup can, Andy Warhol-inspired. He is looking up at me like he always does-ready for anything.
On Friday the 13th this year, I decided to engrave my best pal on my left shoulder. All the sadness I felt and confusion I had was gone the moment he came into my life. We take care of each other, and I wouldn’t change anything that happened. Watching him grow and me slowly being able to walk again gave me power. He would snuggle me during my naps and licked my back and legs like he knew what was wrong. The moment I picked him up he nuzzled into my shoulders, I knew he was meant to be my best friend. On April 1, 2016, a month after the accident, I was gifted with my puppy, Snoopy. I was scared and lonely, and felt as though no one understood what I was going through. I was in constant pain, and after having a spinal tap, it only got worse. I ended up having a spinal injury that immobilized me for last four months of my senior year. After we finished the routine, I collapsed while walking off the stage. At our nationals competition, I felt a terrible pain in my back during one of our numbers. “I was the captain of my high school’s dance team. It symbolizes growth, and every time I look down at the symbolic art on my body, I am reminded of the months when I started to want to be alive again.” A couple years later, when I turned 18, I decided to get a sage branch as my first tattoo. I began to see myself not as another broken teenage girl, but a symbol of strength and resilience. I began to fall back in love with life and living.
As time went on, I grew and flourished just like the sage brushes. I was surrounded by sage during my entire stay: We used it to clean our cooking equipment, as deodorant when we had no access to a shower, and we braided crowns out of it when we felt silly and whimsical. Not many things could grow in these harsh conditions, and I think that’s why I was so drawn to the sage brushes-because they not only grew, but they flourished. For two months, I lived in freezing temperatures with only a few other girls, my two instructors, and the beautiful, snow-covered desert. Immediately following my three-week hospitalization, I enrolled in a wilderness therapy program located in southern Idaho. It was an extremely difficult and dark time in my life. I felt hopeless, lost, and completely unsure of why I was put on this earth. “When I was 16 years old, I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation. The stories-like the tattoos themselves-are all different and beautiful. Here, 19 SELF readers (of over 200 submissions) share photos of their tattoos and the stories behind them. I always want to ask, What motivated you? To put something on your body permanently, enduring what I imagine must be quite a bit of pain, and often paying a lot of money, takes a level of passion and dedication that I find fascinating. Whenever I see someone’s tattoo-whether it be big or small, and whether or not I know that person-I wonder why they got it. Is this where it should go? Is this what it should be? Is this what it would feel like? I stare down at my hands habitually and ask myself. I’ve gone through phases where I use a Sharpie to draw a shape that feels meaningful to me at any given time-an infinity symbol, a safety pin, the letter of someone’s first name-on the inside of my index finger or below the edge of my palm.
I don’t have a tattoo, but I’ve always been curious about getting one.
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